Week Eighteen - (Aside) Matters of the Heart

     Sometimes I get so caught up in documenting the details that I often miss out on the opportunity to share what God has been doing to our hearts through Karis. This week was one of those heart issue weeks where you are exposed to your finitude, dependence and sinfulness but are reminded of the hope you have in Christ and the strength you are given through Him.

     There were two instances this week were Karis and I were flying solo as Greg was at a couple church events including an overnight men's retreat without us. It is definitely more lonely but also more of a challenge when Greg is gone for longer periods of time, especially during the dinner/early evening hours when Karis is the most unpredictable and sometimes fussy (plus I just hate eating dinner by myself). I always try to prepare physically and mentally for busy days, but this past Wednesday kind of blindsided me. We got off to a rough start with Karis waking up very early from her first nap (which is rare) and the proceeding to be totally unpredictable and out of whack the rest of the day. In retrospect I pin it on the fact that she has hit a wonder week in terms of development and as a result is fussier, clingier and only napping for 20 minutes at a time. Nonetheless, at the time I just had no clue what was going on and started to stress out about what was happening. Over the course of the day as things started getting more unpredictable with much more crying involved I could feel the bitterness creeping in and the burden of responsibility weigh heavier. Toward the evening hours after concurrently soothing Karis while trying to eat I began to place my hope in the magic time 8:30 when Karis would go to bed. I had plans to finally kick back, read and maybe even get to do some crafts while watching a BBC movie. Well of course, God wanted to use this chaotic day to sanctify me and as a result Karis woke up at 9:20 and 10:20 to eat (wonder week AND growth spurt?!). Needless to say crafts, reading and movies were all out of the picture. Feeling overwhelmed and totally poured out I turned my anger to Greg, blaming him for leaving us on such a hard day.

     Thankfully, God did not leave me in my bitterness, anxiousness, anger and selfishness. Through true, but kind words from Greg and the work of the Holy Spirit, I saw my day in light of James 4:1-4 "What is the source of quarrels and conflicts among you? Is not the source your pleasures that wage war in your members? You lust and do not have; so you commit murder. You are envious and cannot obtain; so you fight and quarrel. You do not have because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, so that you may spend it on your pleasures." I saw how I was making an idol and placing my hope in rest. I felt like the whole day I was giving, giving, giving and thus deserved a break and demanded that I get one, regardless of what means I would employ. Ultimately I desired to be selfish and was angry that I wasn't able to have my own way.

     After repenting of my sin and asking Greg for his forgiveness, God brought this piece of Scripture to me. Hebrews 6:10-12,19-20 "For God is not unjust so as to forget your work and the love which you have shown toward His name, in having ministered and in still ministering to the saints. And we desire that each one of you show the same diligence so as to realize the full assurance of hope until the end, so that you will not be sluggish, but imitators of those who through faith and patience inherit the promises. ...This hope we have as an anchor of the soul, a hope both sure and steadfast and one which enters within the veil, where Jesus has entered as a forerunner for us, having become a high priest forever according to the order of Melchizedek." God sees the work of a mother doing the small, tedious tasks and chores set before her as she ministers to her family and others. And we are encouraged to continue in diligence through faith and patience because we have a real hope, not for temporary rest at the end of the day, but a hope that anchors the soul amid the tempest of daily trials and assures us of our future rest with Christ. I am certain this will be a lesson that I will continue to learn for life, but I am so thankful for the ways in which having Karis has already stretched my faith and trust and hope!